Balance

I want to begin this blog by saying that I am no longer limiting myself to 45 minutes of internet usage each week. 

Some of you may have already noticed the change in my internet activity and some of you may have been the ones who were affected by this choice. I am sorry if anyone felt personally alienated by this attempt to live more simply and more fully present here- that was not the intent, but perhaps a not so positive, yet admittedly foreseeable, consequence. For many different reasons, I have decided not to continue to limit myself in such definite terms. While I did use that time for the purpose I intended (“In this time, I plan to write more letters and make more intentional attempts to be present in this place and this community. I will spend more time praying for those I love and working on my relationship with God.”), I also realized that there is a sustainable pace which may be more flexible for each week, each day or each month of this two year marathon.

Recently, my cousin sent Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running in a wonderful and generous care package(Thank you, Tricia!!). I have to admit that I have not yet finished it, and therefore hesitate to quote it without knowing the work in its entirety, but I have already connected with his story, his commitment to running and the way running shapes his mindset(or vice versa). As he talks about his weekly mileage, pace and approach, he writes, “ As long as I can run a certain distance, that’s all I care about. Sometimes I run fast when I feel like it, but if I increase the pace I shorten the amount of time I run, the point being to let the exhilaration I feel at the end of each run carry over to the next day. This is the same sort of tack I find necessary when writing a novel. I stop every day right at the point where I feel I can write more. Do that, and the next day’s work goes surprisingly smoothly.” I’ve realized that this is the kind of balance I was seeking out in attempting to limit my internet usage. If I increase my speed each day, I can decrease the distance. I can pace myself each day, week, month, allowing for enough energy, patience and generosity to wake up refreshed and excited for the next day to begin.

As my responsibilities at school increase and diversify and as our community continues to transition, it’s not easy to always ‘stop every day right at the point where I feel I can write, run, work, give, love, teach more.’ It is definitely my tendency to give more to each day than is healthy for my relationships or than allows for a proper amount of sleep. I have noticed, though, that I have found a much better and healthier balance here than I have in the past. Yes, hard work, determination and being conscientious are valuable and admirable qualities, but wearing oneself too thin, becoming irritable and judgmental due to a lack of balance are not attractive or healthy qualities and, unfortunately, they are the ones which appear in me when I can’t find that balance. So, my internet ‘limit’ was an attempt to find that balance to prevent me from becoming the irritable and judgmental Katie which I try to avoid being. But there are other ways of doing this.

This morning, I woke up at 5:15, ran 6 miles in the Dar es Salaam heat at a pace I was happy with, showered, attended a marathon of a Mass(7:00-9:00a.m.) and then continued my day until this point(8:00p.m.). I lived fully and presently and now I am going to stop writing, because I am at the point where I feel like I can write more. Hopefully, this will manifest itself in another blog post in the not too distant future. Happy running! writing! pacing! teaching! living each day to the point you feel like you can live the next with energy, patience and generosity.